I'm sorry that I ruined your evening. With an empty feeling that no longer even hurts, I sit here by myself at 2:30 AM. You have been saying for days, or is it already weeks: If this is going to work out between us, then... Or: We'll see how it goes... as if I'm in some kind of "trial period" where I have to prove myself. And exactly that is what I do or don't do, as you envision. That gives me such an incredibly cold, calculating feeling that has nothing to do with love. Imagine if I did that to you. You say: I accuse you or make demands. Which ones? I'll leave you be. You, on the other hand, only make accusations, show no interest, or are bored and annoyed by what I say. Today I was really so tired and thot it would be better to stay at home. But I just wanted to be with you. That's why I mustered the courage despite the cold outside and drove to you. And, the little things, like my toothbrush, I had brought along because I might have stayed over at your place. Then you let me know that you weren't even happy to see me after all... etc. I was so disappointed and speechless that I had to step outside for a moment. I felt more like crying, and on the balcony, I briefly thought: I'll put my shoes back on, pack my stuff. What I would have said: It would probably be wiser if I left you alone this evening. In doing so, I ask so little of you. Are you even aware of that? I content myself with "scraps".......What I need is security, warmth, safety... I'm not even talking about love. That you don't have strong feelings for me, I already know anyway. Well, I don't expect anything from anyone anymore. Presumably, you are even relieved, at least it seems to me, when you get rid of me. More than a burden, or a nice distraction for a while, I am obviously not for you. I bid farewell to the idea of ease in our togetherness. You don't make me happy. You truly think I'm useless and I feel so worthless. That's terrible.